You know something is amiss when your toddler who regularly wakes up precisely at 6:51am every single morning wakes up at 9:30am.
This is not cause for celebration. This is cause for alarm and a warning. Raise your threat level to orange. Just know that something will go down today.
Question:
How can a tiny human simultaneously demand and refuse the same thing?
Toddler: I want help cook!
Me: Okay, do you want to help me make a smoothie?
Toddler: No! Eggs!
Me: Sure, eggs. You can help me make eggs, I'd appreciate the help…
Toddler: NO! Fruit drink!
Me: Ahhh, smoothie?
Toddler: Yes.
– We proceed to make this delicious smoothie. He even turned on the Blendtec! Things are going so well!!!
Me: Smoothie looks good. Here is some in your cu…
Toddler: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
(Insert 10-15 screaming session, then small human approaches me and says through choking sobs)
Toddler: Do-doe
Me: Use your words. Say it again.
Toddler: No! Do-doe!
Me: Ahhhh, I just don't know what you're saying to me.
(Insert meaningless back and forth banter until, …bright idea!)
Me: Can you point to Do-Doe?
Toddler: (very calmly) Yes.
(Small human points to Play-Dough)
Me: Yes, lets play with the Play-Dough
The following 17 minutes was so confusing I could not follow. Every color and shape we were making was wrong. The wrong color for the wrong shape or vice-versa. I think we were having fun, however.
Suddenly, he had to get down and stop playing with the Play-Dough and he proceeded to march around the house with two Play-Dough stars on his head. (He has good posture).
After I located the remains of the destroyed and thrown stars, we were shopping with his shopping bag and 'play' vegetables.
For the record I follow instructions well, but I could never keep up with the demands of where I was supposed to be sitting/standing/walking during our shopping/restaurant experience. Keep in mind I have a 6 month old baby in my arms and I'm trying (successfully I might add) to feed and comfort her while following orders from an insane tiny dictator.
Finally we arrived at the fake restaurant where I was told to taste, but not touch anything because it was too hot. He proceeded to 'add salt' to everything. (I may have to review my seasoning practices).
I should add that at this point it is only 10:15 in the morning. I have yet to make or drink coffee and I'm just barely holding on to this alternate toddler reality.
Dance party ensued. We danced to Johnny Hodges and Genesis (Three Sides Live) until our living room slowly transformed into a parkour park as he launched himself onto and off of pretty much every surface in the room.
A streamer dance routine happened with two small blankets (amazingly nothing was broken.) Finally, lunch time.
I don't want to talk about lunch.
After another round of dancing, several books read and a MASSIVE, I'M TALKING HOW DID THIS COME OUT OF YOU, POOPS, it was naptime.
Sweet blissful sleep that actually happened for both of the sweet children. 90 minutes (I'm not joking because I timed it) of damn near sweet silence in the house.
I shed a little happy tear, then got some shit done.
How was your day?
Mythical 5th Position 
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