It’s a little late, but allow me to wish all of you a Happy New Year, and a wonderful 2014!!
As many of you know I recently returned from a 5 week orchestra tour through China. For 5 weeks I rode in busses, trains, and planes. I slept in very hard beds, ate oily and meaty food, and breathed some pretty harshly polluted air.
Needless to say, I am SO grateful to be back.
My return HOME was all at once wonderful, exhausting, and detaching.
I have been floating over the ground, looking at things but not seeing them, interacting with people but not connecting, and I feel I have nothing there to offer. I’m feeling adrift, aloof, detached, stressed, insecure, loopy, bored, lonely, and crowded, all at the same time. These feelings of not being rooted or grounded have led me to have less than positive interactions with the ones that I love and care about the most.
What am I NOT doing that is creating this vague and intolerable atmosphere I am in?
1. I am not exercising like I should.
2. I am not listening well.
3. I am not engaged in the world around me.
4. I am not studying music.
5. I am not practicing.
6. I carry a heavy heart, and I look for things to be angry/upset about.
So instead of analyzing each aspect of my ‘Eeeyore-esque’ attitude, I’m just going to make some changes.
1. I will run more. (In fact I ran yesterday in 21 degree weather, and it felt GREAT!)
2. I will engage the people around me actively and enjoy what they bring to my life!
3. I will notice everything and open myself to the world.
4. I will study and listen to music.
5. I will practice and not be too critical.
6. I will look at all the wonderful aspects and people in my life and celebrate them every day!
It’s funny, just by writing the above lists, I’m already feeling a bit better! Changing ones perspective and outlook is never easy or fast, but getting a glimpse of that perspective, as I just did, feels so good!!
I’ll leave you with a video I took from a Buddhist monastery I visited in Chengdu, China. The monastery and its gardens were located in the middle of this huge city, yet it was so peaceful. I spent many hours there just walking around experiencing the calmness and beauty of this sactuary. An emotional wave came over me while I was there, and I wept. Things became focused: my life, my future, my love. I felt connected, warm, and safe. All those feelings came from within. Those feelings are always within me. I just need to access them when I lose my way.